Toilet Paper Wedding Dress

My coworker Katie, the one who gives me the tomatoes off of her salad and lets me pick out the least-beer-y beer for her, had her bridal shower today. Much to my delight, it wasn't horrible! We had a good time! The food was great, her family is really entertaining, and I probably had one glass of champagne spiked punch too many, considering it was two o'clock in the afternoon. She looked beautiful, got a million gifts, and wasn't too embarrassed by the box "to be shared with your husband."

But you see, my first real bridal shower left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. She was my neighbor growing up- she was nineteen, and had been dating her fiance since sixteen. There was food, presents, relatives, the usual ho-hum. Then the games began. If you've ever been to a bridal shower, I'm sure you've played this game too. The toilet paper wedding dress game. (Katie, if you're reading this, I know that I just used a fragment sentence.) I was actually pretty psyched- at the time I considered myself something of an artist. My sister was the model and I made the best looking toilet paper dress in five minutes. It had a fitted bodice, trumpet skirt down to her calves, it really looked like a dress! However, it lost to a dress with a plastic cup bra a la Madonna modeled by some elderly, overweight aunt or something. Everyone thought it was hilarious! I was furious, and vowed never to play the game again OR to have fun at a bridal shower again.

I had just finished telling this story to Kelly, when some Memere came out with five rolls of unwrapped toilet paper. We looked at each other as soon as we saw them with the expression, "Holy Shit!" With Pauline, our boss, who is another veteran toilet paper dress maker, my coworkers and I made a dress so stunningly beautiful it will be remembered by all who was there to witness it. I'm not sure if I'd told this tragic tale to Katie or not, but she picked our dress! Redemption!

There will be a picture, eventually, but until then, look what I found when I Googled toilet paper wedding dress:



Apparently, there are contests...

These photos need no introduction

Last week on Conan

It's no secret that I'm a Sex and the City fan. Love it.

Has anyone else noticed how amazing Sarah Jessica Parker's ankles are?

Get Smart

I'm really excited to see this.

It was my Birthday!

I'm not usually this into birthdays, really, I'm not. Sure, there have been a few really awesome ones (ten-day birthday in Burlington, that boys vs. girls dance off at Darcy's, TCBY) and a few really bad ones (Captain Newick's, that time in Beverly when I didn't tell anyone.) I suppose I was craving attention or something, because this year, I told everyone.

You could say the celebration began on the Friday before, where my coworkers showered me with unexpected gifts, such as a bright yellow Steve Madden clutch, which I can't wait to take out, cupcakes, a gift certificate to the bakery, and a Charlie from Lost figurine with real sound from the movie "You All Everybody." Which has got to be the stupidest made-up hit song ever. Work didn't end until AFTER we got home from a fundraiser which happened to be a middle school dance. There were little mini versions of Pete Wentz, his girlfriend Ashlee Simpson, and his best friend the Panic at the Disco guy. Now I know what the Soulja Boy dance is, too (look it up on YouTube).

Saturday morning Heather and Darcy treated me to the Port Hole's version of the Grand Slam. We picked up Andrea, then did a ridiculous photo shoot at Darcy's, where we pretended to be professional figure skaters.


Josh took me out to a delicious sushi dinner, where he gave me the surprise of my life. He snuck out and gave the waitress my birthday present and a giant balloon. Then, the entire waitstaff came out with my ice cream, my present, and sang. I was so surprised.

After Jonathan Pappelbon struck out three batters in a row, and yes, he is on our fantasy team, Josh and I headed to the Top of the East, where I was about to accomplish the only two goals I had for my birthday: look hot and get drunk. Sammie and Isaac were waiting for us, and about thirteen more of my friends showed up. It was so nice to have everyone there just for me! All of my favorite people came, except for those who live far, far away, have babies or went to Man Man in Boston. We read Laffy Taffy jokes, Rebecca gave me earrings, Mandy brought presents too, Heather almost asked out a decorated Navel officer, Andrea charmed my friends with her out of town-ness, a large black man bought me a drink, and I met a real life Gaysian.


You can't tell from this photo, but my dress showed wicked cleavage. I was also wearing my "sexy" heels. Too bad it's over until next year. Also too bad my cat totally fell in love with Andrea. Slut. The cat, not Andrea.

And if any of you are reading this and thinking, but you didn't remember my birthday, I probably didn't... you should just remind me.

Batman?

Malcolm Gladwell wrote this book you might have heard of called the Tipping Point. It's on the NY Times best-seller list, or something. It also happens to be the book I'm reading right now. It's about how little things can make a huge difference. There is this chapter about the power of context, and as an example Gladwell talks about how New York City was ridden with crime, murders everywhere, conspiracy, and then in five years the crime rate dropped by 60% or something. And the way city officials were able to make the city safer by cleaning up the graffiti on the subway and stopping homeless people from peeing on the streets. Sounds like baby steps, right? The thinking was that if a potential criminal sees all these little crimes being committed, who is going to stop him from shooting someone.

MY thinking was, why not just do that Bat signal thing and get Batman to clean up the city? I'm also really excited for the new Batman movie.

Since You Been Gone

Before Josh and I headed over to the 500s show on Thursday, we decided to stop by the Flask Lounge. It's a former gay bar, reinvented as a hip new hangout, and they have a Wii! I popped a few bucks into the touch-screen jukebox, and gave Josh a few picks of his own. When it was my turn, I picked Kelly Clarkson "Since You Been Gone," which in case you don't know, is a pretty amazing song. Josh was able to only mildly ridicule me for this, seeing as though he'd never even heard the hit by the American Idol. It came on, I cheered, we finished our drinks, and headed over to the show.

I've never seen a 500s show that I didn't have complete, unadultered fun at. It's sort of impossible to not have fun when someone is singing songs about riding bikes and ice cream. Then, as if they knew somehow, the closed with none other than "Since You Been Gone." I punched Josh and jumped up and down like ten times while screaming the words at the top of my lungs. It couldn't have been awesomer.

Four Allagash Too Many

The other Tuesday night, I had a bit of a frustrating day at the office, and invited a coworker to go out with me for a beer. We shared a plate of mussells (where I pulled them from the shell!) and I enjoyed a nice cold Allagash. Then we talked about all kinds of office stuff, and decided that we'll see each other in hell for being so judgemental.

Anyway, so that was beer number one. I then met Heather at the Snug, where we talked about our weekend, etc. One thing led to another and I was on my second Snug beer, which was my third for the night, when Heather decided she shouldn't finish hers because she was feeling sick, so I downed the rest. In no time it was nine o'clock, and two more friends, Darcy and Nick, joined us when their movie got out. We ordered yet another round. I had no dinner, was four beers in, and feeling really, ah, giddy. We were having fun (so I'm told. I don't entirely remember.) Before Darcy and I went up for her second round and my fifth- I kind of wobbled over, I sent quite an inappropriate text message to an inappropriate person. When we sat back down, the bartender followed with my debit card. He closed my tab, cutting me off. It was a Tuesday night, and I got cut off. Granted, I'm a small person, and I had no dinner, but seriously, I felt bad about what I had done until I talked to the same coworker from before. She totally reassured me by saying something along the lines of, it's always a random Tuesday night that that happens. When you go out specifically to get drunk, it never seems to work out.

Unmentionable Places- Mentioned!

I went and had my *hmm-hum* looked at on Wednesday, and the good news is that I'm healthy as a horse. And in fact, either I had mistaken my weight, or I've somehow lost six pounds. Then I got to thinking about the reasons why I might have dropped some l-b-s, and it came to me: my boyfriend eats all of the food.

One Night at the Front Room

I had the weirdest night on Thursday. I left work at three to go see an apartment for my friend at four. It was a mere five blocks from my apartment, so imagine my joy when I walked up to my door to see my cat, an hour and a half earlier than normal!

Then imagine my horror when my keys were not at the bottom of my bag, but at the office, in my coworkers pocket, because I lent them to her. Josh was not going to be home for over an hour, so with few other options, I headed to the Front Room for happy hour.

It was pretty empty and quiet at first, with only a few other patrons at the bar. I talked to a man about how the day after St. Patrick's day should be the national holiday, so everyone could sleep off their hangover. Then a petite, well dressed black lady came and sat next to me. She introduced herself as Eman (or Iman?) and we began talking about all sorts of things, where she's lived, the Pretenders, jobs, non-profits, until I decided to ask her if she could think of anything that a group of 30 or so Bates graduates could work on for their day of service. But for some reason, I could not figure out how to properly phrase a group of Alumni. So I kind of stuttered a little bit until Eman said, What are they, black? And I smiled and said no, and she laughed at me because she saw that I was struggling and was just trying to help me out.

Rob, the bartender asks me if I want another beer and I say yes... Then I ask him if he thinks it would be possible to put Lost on if I stayed until 9. He went oh man, I wish! Wait, I don't wish, because then I wouldn't be able to see it! I tell him that I think they put Juliet on the show because she's got huge boobs, and none of the other women have huge boobs.

Then Bill, a lawyer/government official walked in. He knew Eman, so they started talking. The restaurant is getting louder by the moment. Bill is a man in his mid-fifties, I'd guess, with a military haircut, very white teeth, who was drinking Absolut in one glass and tonic in the other. I guess you get more alcohol that way? Since Eman abandoned me for someone more interesting and important, I called a friend, sent a few text messages, and then Andrea called and we talked briefly. During this time, Bill is making eye contact with me, which on one hand, freaks me out because I am a young lady at a bar, alone. On the other hand, I can't help but let it boost my ego a bit. More people that Eman knows come in and she talks with them, giving Bill the opportunity to come over.

He puts on is glasses and says that I have the most interesting phone, and asked me if I'd show him. Really, it's and LG White Chocolate and I got it free with my new-every-two thing. It looks cool, but it's just a crappy cell phone. Then he tells me that he hopes I'm not offended, but that I bear a striking resemblance to his mother when she was young. I am a little bit weirded out, but don't really mind. We talk about where he's from (Munjoy Hill) and I talk a little bit about where I'm from, tell him that I met Muhammad Ali, which I only tell people who I don't think will find me too interesting otherwise, it's like my high card. He's shocked and impressed. We get on the subject of coffee because I used to be a barista, and he tells me that he's got a very expensive espresso machine in his house- but it took him pounds and pounds of coffee to get it right! He asks me what my boyfriend does and I happen to mention that he went Brown, because he did, and Bill went to Brown too! Class of 83, graduated with JFK, Jr, who was even more handsome in person than in pictures. We talk about our humble beginnings, my art and finally Josh comes. It's 6:00 and I'm on my third beer. No food since lunch.

Josh walks in and the first thing he asks me is, aren't you supposed to meet Mandy (my face drops.) Josh and Bill start talking about Brown, then general Man stuff, and Mandy calls, I have her meet us at the Front Room. We were supposed to get together that night to give her a haircut. Surprisingly, after Bill paid for our beers and we all left, I convinced her that I could! Three beers in, although slightly functional, if I turned around too fast I'd loose my balance. Not exactly the state that I'd trust anyone to cut my hair. Mandy wanted me to take an inch off, I wanted to take four. I think I took about six, and she wasn't very happy (although her hair looks much healthier now.)

All in all, it was a quite a night. I never do that- but it felt good to be entertained by people I'd never met before. Here is a picture Mandy took the next day of her hair. You decide.

I Ain't No Baby Mama

Almost every young, sexually active woman I know is on some form of birth control (except for my teenage mom sister, but that's a completely different story.) I was having dinner with three such young women the other night, and somehow the conversation turned to birth control. Who's on what, who's tried what- it sort of felt like we were one of those informational articles you read in Glamour or Cosmo every six months. One of my friends, who would possibly actually kill me if I revealed her connection to this story, told us this, about the first time she went on the Pill...

I wasn't on the Pill for very long before I switched to the Nuva Ring. It was too many hormones, it totally messed me up. I'd take my pill, then for the next hour, I would be unbelievably horny. So horny, that I'd want to jump every man I saw! And you guys know that's very unlike me. I'd actually have to go to the back room and take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Then, I'd get really, really nauseous. Like, doubled over. That pill messed with me, man.

My Doppleganger

I think I have a Doppelganger. Or, at least, there is someone walking around Portland who looks like me. A lot like me.

Josh and I were at Rosie's the other night. It's sort of our go-to neighborhood bar/burger place of choice. The woman who was waiting on us, presumably Rosie herself, came over and asked me if I wanted a Woodchuck. I politely declined, and instead ordered a Hooker Brown. There might have been once last fall that I ordered a Woodchuck, maybe. Figuring it was just a mistake, since we are frequent enough customers she MIGHT THINK she knew what my order was, I let it go. Until she came back for our food order and asked me if I was going to have the buffalo chicken fingers with ranch dressing. I sincerely hate ranch. She had be mixed up with someone else.

Then, two nights ago, I was at Shay's, and the same thing happened. The waitress asked me if I wanted a Malibu. I looked at her like, what the heck is a Malibu and why would I want it? And she quickly realized her mistake and said she mistook me for someone else who looked exactly like me.

My coworker was also out the other night and came back to work Monday morning and said, "I saw this girl in the Old Port who looked exactly like Amanda! She had the same purple tights and everything! But then I looked a little bit closer and realized she WASN'T Amanda." Which was correct, because Josh and I were at Norm's that night, where I was covering my face with buffalo wings.

So, I don't know what all of this means, other than sometime, I might be out, and see someone who looks exactly like me. Which might be weird. Although I think it might be weirder when you see someone wearing the same jacket or with the same coat... because that's obvious. On more than one occasion people have told me that I bear some resemblance to Larry David' wife on Curb Your Enthusiasm, but at least I'll never have to run into her at the Downtown Lounge.

See also the Andrew WK song, "I Want Your Face."

Fantasy Baseball

So, there have been some exciting changes in my life in the last seven days, although I've only mentioned one.

I joined a fantasy baseball league. No joking. My friend Maggie invited me to join, and all I could think was, why not? Since then, I've been thinking a lot about building my team. Which players I want (the good, likable ones), like that pitcher on the Cleveland Indians who completely held it together in a game against the Yankees last year- the field was inexplicably swarmed with these bugs- and the bugs were all up in the pitcher's business. But this guy stayed completely composed the whole time. There were these little bugs on his face and he threw strikes. And the ones I don't want (The Yankees), even if A-Rod is the number one draft pick in fantasy baseball. So, this should be pretty entertaining. I was explaining who my short stop choice was to a man I'd never met at a mutual friend's party on Friday, to which he told a friend via text message, who offered me a date if I was ever in LA (no, not Lewiston/Auburn.) I'm excited for my draft pick!

The other piece of really good news is that my job now offers a dental plan! Yay! Goodbye, cavities. The even better news, the man who took over my childhood dentist's practice, his son, moved the practice to Portland!

My New Baby

I adopted a cat on Friday. She's pretty much totally awesome, very curious, really likes to rub up against my legs, and even fell asleep on my lap! It's only been two days! We're calling her Baby, (Dirty Dancing... "Nobody puts Baby in a corner!") At the Animal Refuge League, I had to fill out a survey about the qualities I am looking for in a cat. The last line was a fill in the blank. It said: The most important thing is that my cat ______. I said, loves me. And I think she does!

The Day I Broke My Veggie Edge

In a recent post, I mentioned how delicious the hangar steak was at the Blue Spoon. A former coworker called me out, "Amanda, you eat meat now!?" I used to work at Austin's Fine Wine and Foods, where I dealt with some pretty gross, bloody, stinky meat. I'd slice the roast beef and there would be blood everywhere. I'd heat the corned beef and sauerkraut sandwiches with thousand island dressing on pumpernickel bread and want to DIE it smelled so bad. Now, I eat steak, burgers, bacon, bacon burgers, chicken on the bone, pork chops, buffalo wings, hot dogs...
(Abby, by the way, if you're reading this, Scott totally was sleeping with Missy and now Tim is my neighbor.)

For a while, it was back and forth, until deciding yes, I will be a vegetarian, (who occasionally ate fish for protein.) I only relapsed once in those years, at Mandy's birthday party. I was drinking, and must've been eye-balling Emily's chicken fingers because she offered me a bite, and I took it! But overall, I was proud of myself for resisting the temptation, and there are some delicious meat-free meals to be had out there, and a lot of scarily similar meat-tasting products. The whole thing went downhill once Josh came along. He himself is a former vegetarian, and he was meat-free for a lot longer than I was. Although I can't exactly remember the first meal we shared "out," I think it might have been when he got his first story aired on national radio. We went to Sebago Brewing Company and he ordered himself a Grey Goose martini and a burger. The first of MANY burgers I'd watch him eat. My mouth would water each and every time. Finally, one night I was on the phone with my carnivorous friend Andrea. I was planning on mac and cheese for dinner, supplemented with green peas. She says, "Nono, hot dogs in mac and cheese." That was it. I replied, "That sounds delicious... screw it. If I want a hot dog, I'm going to have a hot dog. I gotta go. I'm calling Josh and we're going to get a burger.
" That was it. We went to the Great Lost Bear, who I heard had one of the best burgers in town. (Their wings are awesome, too.) The bacon I ordered with breakfast the next weekend didn't sit quite so well in my stomach. Maybe it was my body telling me I wasn't getting enough protein, maybe it was peer pressure, but the rest is history.

Didn't You Know?

You know how there are things that you just wonder? Like, how they get the caps on the toothpaste and whatnot? I've been wondering whose job it is to shovel out the fire hydrants after a storm... is it the fire department, the dept of transportation, the plow people? It's the fire department. This weekend I saw out my window a firetruck drive by really, really slow. I squinted like George Castanza and realized it was two firefighters riding on the back, jumping off to shovel.

There was also this four foot, white haired old woman who I'd seen on numerous occasions, to my horror, leave the coffeeshop without paying. Then I saw her go in the law office next door. Ohhhh., I thought, they have an agreement!

And then there was the time that I said that I wanted to know who the Portland Valentine Bandit was. Someone told me. But I didn't really want to know... I just wanted to express how much curiosity it provokes. Who could possibly paper the city with taped-on red hearts? I'll give you a hint- they are probably on the clock when they do it at 3am. And yes, it's a they.

I know who does the Portland PSST blog too.

***

My mailman died of a heart attack while shoveling snow last night. I walked in this morning and asked, Why the long faces? He was a fifty-something, four foot nine little man full of piss and vinegar, as my mom would say. Once, I think he accidentally on purpose fell on me, but an otherwise harmless man who had pet names for all the girls. He walked around all day delivering letters, and seemed to have more energy than... most anyone else I know. I just can't believe that I razzed him for the last time. Life is so unpredictable.

The Blue Spoon

Josh and I just went to the Blue Spoon, a restaurant that we walk by every day.

I wanted to order a second round of everything I ordered- so I could make love to it. Usually, fancy dinners are reserved for times when someone else is footing the bill. But we went for it. I wore a low cut dress and actually put make up on. And it was so worth it. I got the hanger steak with rosemary broiled potato rounds. Josh got the big order of mussels in a white wine/garlic broth, then atlantic salmon with broccoli raab and an apple/celery puree. We shared entrees. And then shared the most delicious bittersweet chocolate thing.

I've had fancy meals before. I've had delicious meals before. But I can't remember being so thoroughly satisfied, ever. It was so good!

I am, by the way, digesting, in bed, and streaming this show called Cashmere Mafia, while writing (it's a show that's trying, and not exactly succeeding, to fill the void left by Sex and the City when it went off the air.) Josh is lying on the couch reading the most recent issue of the New Yorker.

Walk-a-thon

I don't generally talk about the actual work that I do about my job, here in my blogosphere. It's much funnier to explain why I couldn't figure out how to properly lock the bathroom door.

I help Jerry's Kids. Seriously.

In 2008 at the Muscular Dystrophy Association, the Maine chapter will raise over a million dollars. Seriously. Something like 76% of that money goes back to the families we serve. My job is to do mailings, pay the bills, answer the phone, etc. And it does get monotonous, even though my team of coworkers is as good of a team as anyone could ask for (not just saying that because one or two of you might be reading this.)

This weekend I was supposed to attend a fundraising event that we were having in Bangor. Barack and Hillary would be there (in Bangor, not at our fundraiser.) My coworker and I would go out to a movie, we'd have dinner together, and then I would go my OWN hotel room with my own bed with my own television. I was really excited... but we cancelled the event due to inclimate weather. Barack and Hillary are still going to be there. Honestly though, I was a little bummed. There were going to be families that we serve in attendance, and there is nothing that makes me more gung-ho to do my work than hanging out with a family who is excited about one of our events. It sorf of, you know, makes all the mundane stuff worth it.

The Greater Portland Metro

My neighbor rode home with me on the bus the other day, and it was a relief. He is the kind of person who knows everyone, and is extremely easy to talk to, friendly.

There is also a new guy on the bus. A normal, non-smelly guy, who could be the only person on the bus more normal than my. I heard him talking to some one else at the bus stop about this crazy ridiculous person he saw the other day! It was the man who shows up every once in a while dressed as Uncle Sam. I think I went through the same shock last year when I found the man on the bus dressed as Uncle Sam... until I realized that at tax season, which is now, his job is to stand outside Liberty Tax.

Other people on the bus... I try and decode who they are and where they're going, based on their dress and where they get off. What their jobs could be and which places are close enough from the stop to possibly be their jobs or wherever they're going.

The Misadventures Continue

In addition to people not respecting my personal space while in line, one of my other biggest pet peeves is bathroom doors with no locks. Because it is just about the worst, most embarassing thing ever for someone to walk in on you while you're in the bathroom. There is no lock on the door to the bathroom in the house I grew up in, so everytime we had guests I was completely paranoid that someone would just barge in. So I always run the water, in hopes that the person on the other side of the door will hear it.

At my office, a few people have been walked in on, myself included. The worst is always when that person gets in far enough to make eye contact. I'm particularly paranoid that same person will walk in on me again, because to begin with, we don't have the best relationship. I go to the Men's room, because there are no men in the office and it's like, three steps closer to my desk than the ladie's room. I recently realized that the button to lock the door will automatically unlock if it's locked before the door is closed. It's some kind of safety feature, so you don't get locked out. But until I realized that, I'd get in the door and lock it immediately. The door would close, then unlock itself, unbeknownst to me. With my pants around my ankles, just about ready to go, I'd squint at the door to make sure that it was locked. There is really no way of telling if the button is in from that distance, so I would hobble over to the door, re-lock it, then silently curse myself for forgetting to lock the door again. This whole hobble thing probably went on at least once a day for the last six months or so. Just thought you should know.


I can't believe I have no comments about the Netflix thing. How did that movie get back to my house?? In addition to watching and enjoying Best in Show today, I made cupcakes. According to People Magazine, cupcakes were a hot fad in 2007. I hope they are wrong about that, because I'd like cupcakes to be readily available forever. In this batch, I used half frosting from a can, half Fluff, plus a cherry. The results? Well, I'm going to finish my beer before I try it.