Why We Need a Second Bathroom at 46 Vesper

I guess I was a morning person when I worked at the coffeeshop. But in order to be ready to greet those super early customers I usually had to be awake for over an hour and at least two cups to be ready. Ever since my bowling job started, however, my schedule is completely flipped around, and I regularly stay up until two, two-thirty in the morning, which means I'll sleep until ten or so, then hit snooze. My mom told me a couple of months ago, which I had completely forgotten, that in high school, she used to wake me up in the morning, and if she didn't use the sweetest most ridiculously buttery voice I'd like, snap at her and grumble and not get up (this was b.c.- before coffee.)






Anyhow. I'm on the opposite schedule of my two lovely roommates, who both have relatively normal 9-5ish jobs. Which means if they're talking in the morning, putting dishes in the sink, RUNNING THE BLENDER, there is a chance I'll wake up. I only say the blender part because I woke up to a blender running at like, 8 a.m. once, got really mad since I'd never dream of running the blender at 2 a.m. when I got home, then got up out of bed to tell Rebecca that she was completely out of her mind for blending things at that hour, only to find out that she'd been doing it like every day and this day in particular I woke up because I happened to forget to put my fan on.)



So... there's this new guy. We met at the bowling alley. If you're a chick and you're lookin' for love, the bowling alley is a dude magnet. It's been a lot of fun, hanging out with this new guy, and when I asked him how he felt about me posting this story, he got really excited and wanted to pick a nickname. Sorry, New Guy, that's not how it works. Can't pick your own nickname. This was a refreshing change from, "Amanda. Under no circumstance are you ever allowed to ever post anything about me." The other night he spent the night, which yeah, very scandalous. He had to be at work at 9. I can't form sentences before 10. What happened next was more activity than I've experienced in the house, possibly ever.


Normally, Angela happens to be in the bathroom getting ready when New Guy wakes up, around 8:15. Not knowing she was in there, since the door was clearly open, New Guy gets up, not wearing pants, and says, "Oh, you're in the in between stages of getting ready for your day, huh?" Angela is luckily a lot more coherent in the morning, so she responds with a smile and says she'll be done in a second. Then Cole, Angela's boyfriend, hears this, pipes in from her room and says, "Wait, can I just brush my teeth first?" New Guy responds, "Cole, don't worry about it, man! Wanna just get in the shower with me? We can take a shower together!" They've met twice. I hear all of this commotion, and decide that I need to be up because although New Guy doesn't need me to hold his hand, but I knew it was the polite and respectful thing to do, although I'm NOT HAPPY about it. Then, I don't know what to do with myself, because I'll get in real trouble if I try to cut in line for the bathroom, so I start making coffee for New Guy. He takes it black.

With Rebecca's summer schedule, she usually nearly out the door by the time Angela woke up. Since school has started, Angela's assumption that Rebecca had already left was false. So now Angela, Cole, New Guy are in line for the bathroom, and Rebecca gets up and announces, "I have to get in there!" Neither Rebecca nor myself are wearing pants. She grumbles something about being awake but not getting out of bed, and something about how this is a fucking circus. She's not wrong, either. Cole and New Guy are brushing their teeth in the hall, New Guy is trying to talk to Cole, Cole is trying to figure out where to spit.



I've failed at making the first batch of coffee in the percolator. If you remember, we have 39 coffeemakers, and one of the percolators doesn't always work- the water boils but just leaks out the seal. I tried to use an oven mitt to tighten it, hoping not to start over on this stupid cup of coffee, and I end up spilling it all over the counter. I have a difficult time figuring out how do I make my coffee if I haven't had my coffee. It's like the chicken and the egg.



So, Rebecca cuts New Guy in line for the bathroom, since he's taking an entire shower, and it's her prerogative since she actually lives here. While he's waiting for both the shower and the coffee, he sits on my front porch and smokes a cigarette. Cigarettes are not a dealbreaker for me, since Mandy Wheeler smokes like a chimney and I'm addicted to her second hand smoke. Cole is sitting in the chair next to the window, and if you're sitting on the porch, you're pretty much at eye level. New Guy taps on the window and motions to put it up so they can continue talking about whatever they were talking about. New Guy is obviously a morning person. My landlord happens to walk by and see New Guy smoking on the porch and says, "Hey listen, not to be an ass hole, but, I really don't want you to be smoking on my property. I'm against smoking 150%." Anytime anyone prefaces a statement with, "not to be an asshole/dick/fucking bitch," it's really just a way to acknowledge the fact that you're aware that whatever is coming next is going to be offensive, and you don't care. I go back to bed and everyone leaves.




Angela says that it's a flashback to her childhood, growing up one of nine children, and that it's one of her worst nightmares. Then later, she tells her boyfriend, and he responds, "REALLY? I thought it was fun!!"

The Second to the Worst Date Ever

About a year ago, I met this guy. He was a friend of a friend, reasonably attractive like a blond Paul Rud, and showing me a lot of attention. He wasn't particularly funny or engaging in conversation, but he was a really good listener. I believe I gave him my email address, and we talked a bit via email and via phone for a few days until we made a date. And then I find out he was 13 years older than me, which was surprising, but not a deal breaker.

I like to do this thing when I'm going on a first date and I know there's going to be trouble deciding on a location.  - I suggest three places, and the guy chooses from those three. It's a perfect, diplomatic way to compromise without hemming and hawing. Paul Rudd and I choose Rosie's, one of my favorite first-date places. And if this guy isn't paying for my meal, I know I can afford it. (Etiquette question: my friend Sarah, who lived in Memphis for ten years, says that she doesn't care if she gets taken out for McDonald's on a first date- that guy should be paying. But WTF am I supposed to do if I actually can't afford to pay my half because it's like, the day before payday and rent was due or something? It's embarassing to both not be able to afford my half, to make that known, and to rely on my date to foot the bill. I'm not a feminist, but I'm not old fashioned, either.)

I show up at Rosie's ten minutes late, and he's patiently waiting. But has also patiently decided that we need to go somewhere else because it's too loud. (I like burgers. This was my favorite neighborhood bar. Can't hang at my bar, can't hang with me First date mistake number one.) So we head over to Sapporo, my favorite place for sushi in town except for Miyake, which isn't on the same playing field as the rest. Sapporo is good. It's not great, but it's consistent. Good food, good service, good ambiance, not too pricey if you pick the right things. He's never been, and almost immediately starts complaining that the waitress seems too fake. (First date mistake number two.) It's her job to be nice. Who cares if she sounds fake, maybe she was having a bad date. I'd prefer fake nice to outright rude, any day. First dates are about putting your best foot forward, for charming the other person and not acting crazy.

Much to my relief, he picks up the tab and we decide to give Rosie's another shot. On our walk, he tells me he wants to talk about our age difference. I actually say, "Let's not go down that road." I wasn't trying to be rude, I just honestly felt there was nothing to talk about regarding our age difference, so what was the point? Paul Rudd and I were both aware of the situation,  what was I going to say, "Hey, how were the 70s?" I changed the subject. (First date mistake number three.)

We arrive at Rosie's, sit down, and it comes out that in a few weeks I was going to be moving to his street, my very first solo apartment. He offers to loan me this couch that he has in storage, saying that he thinks it'd be perfect for my place, he wasn't using it, but that he'd need it back at some point. Whoa. Really? This was date one. Agreeing to take the couch of Paul Rudd was pretty much license for him to stay in my life for however long the couch was in the apartment, and it was nice of him to offer, but highly inappropriate. I politely declined, multiple times- he kept pressing the issue. (First date mistake number four.)  The conversation died down pretty quick after this, and sometimes I get distracted by... fashion. So it's like I'm a dude, checking out a bunch of girls, but instead of their asses I'm checking out their boots. Boots not boobs. Really, it's a bad habit, but I can't help myself. Paul Rudd takes this as an indication that I'm having a terrible time, and asks me if I'm having a terrible time. Best way to ensure that I'll start having a terrible time: ask me if I'm having a terrible time. (First date mistake number five.)

He drives me home, we're in the car, which is always the worst, most awkward way to say goodbye to someone on a date. I've got to remember to ask to be walked to the door. I decide that maybe some of the awkwardness over the course of the night was just due to jitters- sometimes getting to know someone's personality quirks takes time. There was only one way for me to figure out if Paul Rudd and I had a second date: I went in for the kiss. If it was an awesome kiss, I'd know. This was a really bold move, and I almost never do it. I get thisclose and he says, "Are you trying to kiss me?" Sheepishly, I say yes. He tells me he'd rather have a hug and talk about our age difference. I'm stunned. He proceeds to not really say anything, and I don't really have anything to say, so even though we're having "a talk" about our age difference, we're not talking.

I get out of the car, stunned, deflated, rejected. It seems like the best decision to take a few days and figure out if we can come back from this major blow. How do I know he won't pull that every single time I try to touch him, or worse, in bed? Consequently, this involves me being a little bit distant and non-responsive for two, three days. I didn't cut him out completely, just didn't make any plans. On the evening of the third day after our date, it was Gossip Girl at Keith and Maggie's. I looked forward to this Monday night with Serena and Blair every week. My phone was off while we enjoyed chips and dip, exchanging OMGs and WTFs. He had written me a really nice email earlier that day about how I was mistaken and if only I could understand how much he really did want to give him a second chance. This email swayed me to give him another chance when...

On my way out, I check my phone. Missed call from Paul Rudd and two really angry texts. "Amanda, how could you do this to me. At least show some respect and tell me that you don't feel the same. We have the same friend circle, it's a small town and this is really shitty." Whoa. I called him immediately and holy shit, was he angry. For the next half hour, we're on the phone as I head back up the Hill, having the worst break-up talk. There were sighs. Long, awkward silent pauses. All this, and we hadn't even kissed. It was awful.

His deal was that he was 37, and desperately wanted to be in a serious relationship. When he started realizing I was not going to be the one, he over compensated and pushed me away. I see him from time to time, and I never know what to say, because it was the second to the worst date I'd ever been on.

The Moose River Mix

Once upon a time, I "ran" a "website" called the Mixtape Collective. Through a series of unfortuante events, I closed my P.O. Box and ended the service. It was really fun while it lasted, and sometimes I fantasize about getting it up and running again. There were all of these great mixes that I'd made to give away, like the Cruise Mix, the Back to School Mix, etc. It's been so long since I've made a mix for someone, a tape or whatever, but one of my favorite things to do is make an accompanying tape narrating over the songs and why I decided to include them.

Here is the written version of that for the Moose River Mix:

Take Me to the River: Seems kind of an obvious first choice, the live version off of Stop Making Sense. It's an Al Green cover and a big hit for the Talking Heads, and although the river is obviously a metaphor for like, love or whatever, it's kind of perfect since we were, you know, going to the river. I've been totally obsessed with this album for weeks months, and I think it's because of Andy Lyman's performance as David Byrne at the Clash of the Titans. I've been to a couple of these things, and mostly I've been underwhelmed, but these guys really pulled out all the stops and I was blown away. Andy even had the dance moves. Mandy's been so sick of me listening to it, imagine my joy when the Talking Heads came on two for Tuesday on WBLM at the Q Street Diner the other day.

I'll Be on the Water: Akron/Family's I'll Be on the Water is such a sad, lovely song. "Thinking of you/there's lightning bolts in my chest. I know you know/I think our love's the best." The Moose River trip is entirely on the water, aside from the portages, and when we say, I'll be on the water, really,we left and said, see you in four days, there's no cell service up there, we're totally cut off. In the wilderness. On the water.

Sitting By the Riverside: I almost always find a way to include the Kinks in my mixes. This song came up when I searched for "river" in my iTunes. So did all my Weezer albums and "Ghost of the River" by the Anniversary (blast from the past!) We often beached the canoes and had lunch sitting by the riverside, sometimes we've taken shelter from a flash thunder storm. Nick did some fishing, I did some sunbathing. This mix is really literal, a narration of sorts, in case you haven't caught that. Two years ago we passed the time in the boats by brainstorming Karen's epic 8 disc (plus two bonus) 90s Mix, which could've been marketed in an infomercial by Time Life during late night reruns of Friends and 90210.

Northern Sky: Anyone who's seen the clear night sky, unpolluted from city lights, knows how beautiful and magical it is. It's something that I took for granted growing up. The first night it was pretty warm and clear and we took all three canoes out and did a little mega-canoeing, where we held all three together and jumped off and swam and stuff. Under the Milky Way was also in the running for this idea of sleeping under the stars, but I thought because we were so close to Canada (ahem, north,) and this song matched the tone of the mix and the trip a little bit better. We brought an iPod this year, and listened to a bunch of Magnetic Fields songs.

Wind of Change: It was so fucking windy. Darcy almost had a meltdown. We were paddling as hard as we could against a really strong headwind and were barely moving. Every year the weather significantly changes the trip... this year it was just so incredibly windy right away. Plus this song fucking rules.

Proud Mary- CCR can EAD, this is all about Ike and Tina. One of my favorite memories from last summer was Erin talking about the really mean geese on the farm she was working on, named Ike and Tina. You know what you're supposed to do if a goose is chasing you? Grab it around the neck with both hands and throw it. I'm terrified of large birds, so I'd probably be pecked to death. "Left a good job in the city, working for the man every night and day. Never lost one minute of sleep worrying about the way things might have been." Don't we all just want to leave our jobs to do whatever the hell we want? Someday I'll be the person that saves up, quits and lives in New Zealand for a year, or takes that cross-country road trip- throws caution to the wind. The Moose River trip is like a little taste of that, and I know we all fantasize about making that sort of thing a bigger part of our lives while we're out there. Proud Mary is also an awesome karaoke song, and someday I'll get to see Kate Digby Skinner and her bff Lauren preform it in person.

Big River- This came up in the brainstorming sesh while we were on the river itself. I love Johnny Cash.  Enough said.

Harvest Moon- I usually try and use some of the time while we're gone to reflect on the things I'm happy with in my life, how thankful for everything and everyone in my life, and it fills up my chest with happiness. Kind of like this song. "There's a full moon rising, let's go dancing in the light."

Red Squirrel Sun Rises- There was literally this little red squirrel at the campsite who was PISSED at me for shoeing it away from our food. That sucker got really, really close to me. Then a chipmunk came, and they chased each other around the campsite up trees and through the fire pit (no fire was actually going.) I was alone when this happened, and I had a really difficult time conveying the ridiculousness of the scene, the squirrel chirping at me from the tree. It was like a cartoon.

Walking On Sunshine- Remember that scene in High Fidelity that Barry takes off the new Belle and Sebastian ("sad bastard music") and put this song on, then did that obnoxious dance around the store? This song is like, pure happiness. We had some really beautiful weather once the wind died down.

With Arms Outstretched- I've loved this song forever, and I can't believe how well it describes the trip in so many ways. "It's 16 miles to the promise land/and I promise you, I'm doing the best I can" Halfway through the trip is actually about 16 miles and we are like, so tired but we're still trying. "I visit these mountains with frequency, and I stand here with my arms up. Now some days, they last longer than others, but this day by the lake went too fast." Third year in a row, check. Mountains, check. Lakes, check. Feeling like the trip was going too fast, check. Big singalong at the end, check.

End of the Line- Wrapping up the tail end of the mix, End of the Line by the Travelling Wilburys. I've always, for as long as I can remember, hated Tom Petty. But in recent years, I've relaxed, and realized that actually, he's a really great song writer.  "Even if the sun don't shine/Well it's alright/we're going to the end of the line." It's such a relief to see that final stretch of lake and know that in a matter of hours I'll be in a shower and a bed with a pillow. This song also kind of embodies the way I've been living my life, "Well, it's alright." Some friends recently described me as organized, which is sort of ridiculous. Here's a good example of how not organized I am: I left my backpack at the lodge at the Northern Outdoors in The Forks three and a half hours away, and didn't realize it until we were already two hours away. Yeah, I made a mistake. Especially because I was borrowing Angela's backpack, sleeping pad and Heather's sleeping bag and I would have to spend hundreds of dollars to replace those things, but it was already done, and I could've flipped out about it, but it's so much easier to not flip out and try to problem solve. I knew I could create a shipment on UPS.com, and I knew some friends would be up in The Forks in a week or two, and worst case- I could've made someone drive me up. In the end, the Northern Outdoors ended up sending me the pack and I didn't even have to pay. It was alright.

Right Back to Where We Started From- My love for this song was born from two things: My Best Friend's Wedding and listening to the Oldies station every single day in the office from 9-5. The Moose River trip is a big circle, a bow, if you will. Get it? We're right back where we started from. The relationship she's talking about in this song sounds pretty screwed up, though, and I'm glad I get to use the song as it relates to the trip and not "If you get hurt by the little things I say, I can put that smile back on your face." What a bitch!

The Final Countdown- The Arrested Development references first started on the trip when John Holt decided to come along, and even though Nick was the only one that he knew at that point, we automatically rebranded him Steve Holt! Then in Mama Bear's diner in Jackman on the first morning this epically ridiculous song GOB used as the theme song for his "illusions," and it's actually incredibly catchy. Unfortunately, we don't really know any of the lyrics other than "It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN.". We added a day of whitewater rafting, since we were all so psyched about not being in Portland for another day, and our raft guide, cute as a button, thought we were  singing Eye of the Tiger because we just repeated the synth parts over and over. So catchy. I just happened to look up the lyrics, and it turns out the song is about leaving the Earth and travelling to Venus in a space ship.

Notice the one river song I left out here: River of Dreams by Billy Joel. I hate that song. It was stuck in my head for the entire fourth grade.

Let me know if you want a copy. amandajennifer@gmail.com

Best Summer Ever

I have two weeks before school starts, roughly, and I just wanted to reflect a little bit on the best summer I've been having (therefore preventing me from being motivated to write in this thing.) I've basicly been on a bender since June. I should be outside right now.

Things I've crossed off my to-do list:
Moose River
whitewater rafting
lobster rolls and steamers at J's
patio dining at Sapporo
ride on the back of a motorcycle (bonus: it was from 1970.)
hang out on a sailboat
leisurely afternoons on the Eastern Prom, reading, listening to podcasts
host awesome 4th of July party
eat a lot of hamburgers, hotdogs and s'mores
lobster bake
Peaks Island
Sea Dogs game
drive-in movies
under the Milky Way on Bailey Island

Things that weren't on my to-do list but were still awesome:
Mackworth Island
flying kites at Fort Williams
getting a tan
late nights on the back porch (having a back porch)
the Laura Palmer (pink lemonade/bourbon)
the cover of the Portland Daily Sun and subsequent follow-up story
Missed Connection
booze cruise with Foam Castles

Things I need to cross off in the next two weeks before school starts:
buy books
boogie boarding
skinny dipping
Old Orchard Beach
Funtown
beat my high score at bowling and skee ball.
Kennebunkport Pub Crawl
make a fall to-do list

The Texas Roadhouse and the Rosetta Stone

My sister is awesome and I love her quite dearly, but we are two completely opposite people. I mean, completely. She looks like our mother, I look like our father. She makes poor emotional decisions, I make poor financial decisions. She's good at math and I'm... not. She dates guys who are alternately in and out of jail and/or the military, I date guys who are in and out of bands and/or New York City. She has two kids and well, I'm minorly terrified of most children, except, I guess the children of my close friends and family. One panic-inducing occasion at my old office had a six month old baby mistaking me for her mother. I think I actually ran away from the crying child and hid in the bathroom until they left.

Three years ago, Ashley, my sister was dating this guy who she'd known for a long time. He was graduating boot camp, and she'd just had her first baby, my nephew Andrew. Unbeknown to me, she went down to Georgia for his graduation, and he proposed marriage. I wasn't even positive that they were back together when she called me to tell me the news. He was stationed in Germany, they were going to get married at City Hall, pack up the kid and go with him. A number of things happened between the proposal and the deployment and they broke up, but these are some highlights from the conversation we had:

Me: Oh my god, are you kidding? Really, how'd he do it, do you have a ring? Oh my god, Ashley. This is insane.

Ashley: (clearly smiling on the other line) No, no ring yet... We just kind of... decided.

Me: Well, where were you  when he did it?

Ashley: Oh my god, Amanda, we were at this really nice restaurant- (picturing white tablecloth, candlelight, Alex in his fatigues, the baby sleeping next to them with soft jazz music playing in the background, no booze because they were both under 21) -it's called the Texas Roadhouse.

Me: (silence. Don't get me wrong, I really love the Texas Roadhouse. Really. Their baked sweet potatoes are amazing, and they give you hot, fresh rolls. They serve Blue Moon and you have to ride a saddle if it's your birthday. I've always had a great time there, except for that one time I found my server crying in the bathroom.)

Me: Ashley. Oh my god. The Texas Roadhouse is NOT a nice restaurant. It's a chain, like Applebee's or the Olive Garden.

Ashley: Oh. Well, anyway, our food was really good.

(a few minutes later, as I'm processing the idea, thinking about Ashley and the baby living on the base, being an army wife, making a life for themselves...)

Me: So, if he's stationed in Germany, and you guys are living on the base, I wonder if that means you're under American jurisdiction or German jurisdiction. Because if it's German, you can drink. But, there probably aren't any bars on the base so...

Ashley: There are probably like, neighboring towns we can go hang out in if he has leave or whatever.

Me: But you don't speak German.

Ashley. But there are neighboring towns.

Me: Ashley. You don't speak German.

Ashley: What do you mean?

(silence)

Me: Ashley....   German is a language spoken in Germany. Like French or Spanish.

Ashley, brow furrowed, ignoring my laughter: Oh. I thought they just spoke English, but with an accent... (pause) I might have to get that Rosetta Stone thing.

--

One of the funniest parts of this story, I think, is that she knew what the Rosetta Stone program was, but probably has no idea what the significance of the name is. (Please don't let this story reflect my thoughts on the Lewiston Public School system, or judge my sister for not knowing German was a language.) She has her GED and is taking classes at the Central Maine Community College, where she'll probably end up being a really awesome, funny, caring nurse.

The Writer Guy

I'm excited to bring you this story, finally. It's the second story from the Scratchpad Series.

I recently ran into the guy from this story in a bar, he was obliterated. Absolutely shitcanned. I texted him after I left, knowing this, and asked if he'd be interested in having sex with me. He said yes, although I feel fairly certain he has no recollection of this. Moral of the story: Writer Guy didn't, in fact, reject me- he DOES want to sleep with me, as proven by his drunken text.

Chicken Dance

Sometimes you turn to television to entertain yourself, even if you're in the middle of the woods. Too bad I don't have a video of Nicka P doing his version.


Arrested Development Chicken Dances - Watch more Funny  Videos