The Cat and the Hair Band

Space Gallery has awarded me some incredibly amazing experiences over the years. Documentaries, dance parties, incredible art and music- it's a quintessential part of my life here in Portland. I've danced on stage, I've designed the stage, I've met new people, the executive director is the captain of my bowling team...  but this summer Mandy and I weren't that into the block party they threw. The art was good, the installations were good, the bands were great, sometimes we just feel like sitting on the couch watching Project Runway. So we left early and did just that.

We settled in on the couch in front of the laptop. I caught a whiff of something nasty. Did you know that cat poop outside the kitty pan smells a lot like people poop? The cat, Baby, had been having some unexplained pooping issues. Rebecca found a poop on the floor the day before, and there was one when I came home earlier that day. This was definitely an indication that something was wrong because, the only times she does this was when I didn't clean the kitty pan for a long time. Like, a LONG TIME. It was her way of saying, "Hey. You know I can't talk but I'm not fucking pooping there!"  New roommates have a lower tolerance for this sort of behavior so I do it MUCH more often than I did before.

Mandy noticed that she was dragging her ass on the floor, like a dog. And then she stopped, sat down and looked at us like, "Take a fucking picture it'll last longer."

Mandy: Panda. You gotta get her checked. She could have worms. My cats have gotten worms and I have to pull them out of their butt.

Me: I've got an appointment for her after I get back from the roadtrip.

Mandy: She could have worms.

Me: SICK! I know... just... let me see if she's still doing it tomorrow.

Mandy: Panda, you gotta look at her bum, I think I saw something in there.

Me: Oh, dear god no. (There was a little poopie sticking out of her ass.)

Mandy: Just pull it out!

Me: AH! No!!

So I get up and start pacing because I definitely don't want to touch the poop. I lift her tail again and yep, still there. I go to the bathroom and gather a wad of toilet paper. (What else would I use for grabbing the poopie?) When I get back she's laying on the floor. I try to do it and I kind of get it- I'm trying to stay as far away as I can while still reaching in. My hesitance is making this attempt less effective than it could be. She meows loudly as if I was violating her and scampers off.

Minutes later...

Mandy: Panda, I think I see a worm. I think there's a worm in there. You have to pull it out.

She's saying this in a tone which simultaneously implies both that it's not that big of a deal and that if I don't, I'll wake up to find a worm-laden cat corpse next to my pillow the next morning.

Me: I don't think I can.

Mandy: (Silence.)

Me: I'm just going to let it go and see if she's pooped out whatever it is tomorrow.

Mandy: Panda.

I pick up the cat and hold her with one hand under her chest and the other hand under her backside, pointing her little ass out like I imagine someone would point a flame thrower. Mandy gets the toilet paper and starts pulling. We briefly engage in a tug of war- I'm pulling the cat, she's pulling whatever is stuck in her ass. We're like, actually pulling. Then I scream and throw the cat. Baby and I run in opposite directions.

Mandy: Panda!! You can't do that!! Think how she's feeling right now!!!!!!

I knew how she felt because my heart was pounding. It was scary. What the fuck was in her ass and why wouldn't it come out? And if it was a worm, would it wiggle in my hands? This is why I can never have kids or be a veterinarian. LOW TOLERANCE. I grabbed Baby. She wasn't so patient with me while we tried one more time. She let out a blood-curdling meow, the intensity of like, a kitty rape whistle and riled out of my arms.

We went back to Project Runway. The three of us cooled off and I tried to figure out what to do.  It was highly unlikely that I'd be able to get her to a vet sooner, unless it was the emergency vet and that would be hella expensive and the transportation issue still wouldn't be resolved. I saw a woman with a cat in a stroller once, walking around the Eastern Prom Trail- and the weird part was that the stroller looked expensive and the woman looked completely normal. That would sort of be like putting Baby in a... nevermind. She wouldn't go for it.

I decide to look again and see if I could tell if I was seeing this:

http://admin.curiositycreek.org/

Nope. It was this:

That fucking bitch ate a hair band. Not like Poison or Motley Crue, like an elastic band I use to make ponytails. It out of sheer boredom and will to ruin my life that she was having pooping problems. What a bitch. She shit it out before the rest of the episode was over. 

But we made up: