Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Of Course.

Homecoming- A Night to Remember

When I found out that Space was throwing an all out Homecoming Dance, I got really, really excited. The only thing I could do to not jump out of my skin with excitement was listen to Meatloaf's 'I Would Do Anything For Love' on repeat, for an hour. I picked out my date, started shopping for a dress, and decided that this would be the end all be all of dances- to make up for all those dances gone wrong in high school. Like the time Annie ran over Renee's foot with the car. Or when I asked this college guy, and he still came, even though he was totally into someone else and I was resentful all night. OR when I went to Mandy's prom and everyone at her school thought I was her lesbian lover.

But a week before the dance, the 'date' I had picked out and just wanted to be friends, in perfect unpredictable fashion. So Mandy and I had a re-do of her prom in '03. On the big night, I went over to her place to get ready- pick out shoes, fashion elaborate updos, and inexpertly apply mascara. Two Sex and the City episodes later, we headed out in our three inch heels, ready to dance the night away.

And basicly, that's what we did! I danced, danced, danced. All the girls looked really pretty, and all the boys looked really handsome. I mean, we're not the kinds of people who exactly put on 'going out' clothes, you know? When we arrived the band formerly known as Cult Maze was getting ready to go on, and I was unbelievably happy- they were one of my favorite local bands until they broke up. They covered Feel Like Makin' Love, My Boyfriend's Back, and much to my utter delight MEATLOAF!! It was prefect. I could not stop smiling. The last time I'd felt that happy had to have been the This American Life live show, when Mates of State played. From then on the night was pretty dream-like, including photos, and even an onstage dance party started by yours truly and my Mandy. Some girl told us we were the 'hottest bitches in Portland.' I danced myself nauseous in three inch heels.

At some point, I happened to tell Mandy that I thought a boy was cute, she proceeded to tell his brother, and I spent the rest of the night coyly making eye contact from across the room. But in true high school fashion, I was too shy to actually let him come over and risk letting something happen (not even after a little liquid courage in the form of bottled PBR.)

We ended the night taking the Limo Taxi home to the Hill. I only wish I would have seen the faces of everyone milling about when the limo pulled up and we got in. There was no Red Hot 95.9, but he only charged us five bucks, which would've been less than an actual cab!

I'll take a side of truth with that coffee

Me: Good Morning

Brian: Good Morning, how's it going?

Me: S'ok. Tired, though. I stayed up late watching Gossip Girl. That show is amazing, just perfect. You just... Turn your brain off. I love it.

Brian: Yeah, I bet you were watching Sex and the City, too.

Me (not making eye contact): Yeah...

Brian: I can smell it a mile away! And then you wonder why you have problems with dudes in your life!

Me: ...(silence.)

woody Allen: Still Got It.

I've been satisfying a lot of guilty pleasures as of late- like listening to a crapload of Beyonce, watching movies like Superbad and Pineapple Express, and putting Laguna Beach and Gossip Girl at the top of my Queue. Is it because it's been summer and this is what you're supposed to do? Like, beach all day, then Gossip Girl then margaritas on the patio? Maybe. But it's also possible that I'm trying to make up for lost pop-culture time. It's possible I crossed the line, though, when on a recent trip to Marden's, I purchased a Gossip Girls novel for three dollars.

It's now the beginning of fall (yes, I said it.) I'm going to try and stimulate myself creatively. I'm most likely moving next month, so maybe this is a good time for me to do some more productive things with my time. Actually use those brain cells! I'm excited to say that I just saw Vicky Christina Barcelona, and not only was it amazing, but it reminded me that there needs to be more zing in my life.

Maybe I'll start that novel, finally. It's time to decide how I'll keeep myself occupied this winter, and, you know, figure out what I'm doing with my life.

Breaking News

Another year, another Teleton, another brilliant Photoshop job.

Me and the iPhone Don't Care What You Think

have I mentioned I'm now the proud owner of the new iPhone? It's 6 a.m., I'm at Telethon, waiting for the percolator to warm up, the volunteers to show, the phones to ring, and all I can think to do is blog about the iPhone and how cool it is.

So far, the best use of the iPhone was this past weekend. In the car we hooked it up to the car stereo. I then YouTubed the Lazy Sunday SNL digital short and we sang along on our way to Old Orchard Beach. I can also shop online while riding the bus. Last night I used the camera to take ridiculous pictures of my coworkerspretending to be anchors on WABI TV-5, then upload and tag them on Facebook. The iPhone is incredibly self-aware; it can capitalize it's own name, and knows what kind of accent to use on 'touché.' Though I try to not let this gadget get in the way of my normal social interactions, I have on several occasions walked by my destination because my head was buried in the iPhone.

If Craig were to read this, he'd tell me I sound like I'm working for Apple. In this case, I'd have to agree. I just found out I can stream mp3s. Seriously.

Can you hear me now?

Welcome to the world of mobile blogging! I just have to comment- sometimes there are people on my bus at 8am who stay on the phone for more than, say, 5 minutes. I can't help but wonder who on earth they're possibly having a conversation with so darn early. I mean, seriously. Most of my fellow commuters probably aren't working the kind of lucrative job that requires them to be available by phone 24/7.

I'm listening to Funeral by Arcade Fire, and it's still as good as the first time. It's more intense than doing it in a tent! (Get it?)

More to come on the most epic canoe trip of all time.

Last night at Greendrinks, a free happy hour for people who are interested in living green, everyone was asked to disclose their green vice. Meaning, what's the most wasteful thing you do, but really can't help doing? In my personal life, I commute green and have probably the lowest carbon footprint of anyone I know. We recycle everything we can at home, and I use a travelmug that has Cruella DeVille on it. I might not Buy Local or organically all the time, but I feel that's more of an income issue than a mindset.

Anyway, when e began disclosing our dirty little ungreen secrets the were pretty similar- I love using paper towels. I get a lot of takeout. I take long showers. And I realized how much more embarrassing mine was going to be, but I couldn't think of anything else. If I'm in the bathroom, and there is no lock on the door, I run the water the whole time. It's totally neurotic and stupid, if someone is going to try and come in without knocking, they're probably not listening for running water.

Bum Fights

Some guy beat up a drunk bum today because the drunk bum was yelling at me. I was on the corner, standing with this guy, and I'm like, 'Yo, that dude is yelling at me." Thinking he'd just tell me it was okay. But he yelled at the guy, then decked him in the face, he went down, and got kicked in the face.

It was almost as disturbing at the colostomy bag. But I guess chivalry isn't dead?

Washington, Washington

I know most of you, my loyal readers, will have watched this George Washington animation, but it's so funny, and Darcy has been using lyrics in her Gmail chat away message for DAYS. I had to watch it again.

Today on Funny or Die .com

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Indecent Exposure

Last Saturday about twenty or so of us Portlanders migrated north to an island in Harpswell called Bailey Island. Darcy was born and raised there, and her parents were gracious enough to let us invade their house, drink beer and eat lobster. It was great to get out of town for a day, and on the overcast but scenic drive over, Darcy explains that she would like to beat her skinny dipping record- most times skinny dipped in one summer. I had never taken that plunge, partially because I'd never had the chance, partially because I'm modest.

Well, a little liquid courage goes a long way. We'd been drinking, eating, playing croquet, earning weird nicknames from Darcy's nephew (you can call me, Slippery Pete.) Although it was unclear whose idea it was to head over to Land's End, which is iterally the beach at the end of the main road on the island, I took the lead once we got there. I'd say it was somewhere around 70 degrees that night, and normally, in daylight, I really only like to swim when it's almost eighty. Hot. But I took off my Chucks, my socks, my jeans, my shirt and finally my underwear until I was down to my birthday suit and ran into the water. Five of the twenty people I was with also went in, while everyone else, including one of my old boyfriends, stood on the beach with their beers and watched us get nekkid. The water was cold, but like a good Mainer should, I sucked it up until my body adjusted and it was fine.

It would've been the perfect first skinny dipping experience, with friends, under the moonlight... if the police hadn't shown up with their industrial strength FLASH LIGHTS, pointed them on us AND LINGERED.

Here is a pitcture I found on Google Maps of Land's End:

The Dean Machine

*Names have been changed so as not to embarrass anyone*


This is an email that I recieved about a month ago from a friend of mine, who we'll call "Roberta":

We are anxiously waiting for when Howard Dean shows up - it will be any minute - the other Maine Democrats are milling around our conference room like they own the place - and we're just pretending to work as though this is something that happens all the time. If I'm introduced am I supposed to say "lovely to meet you governor"? I'm more flustered about this than any first date i've ever been on. (also Amanda, just between you and me - I AM NOT WEARING ANY UNDERWEAR UNDER THIS DRESS - because while walking to work today they kept falling off - I'm deadly serious)

I then had an online chat with "Roberta" and "Josephine" about it:

Josephine: hahaha
me: i just laughed out loud at your email and had to tell my coworker because she was like, what's so funny?
Josephine: you're going to meet Dean without underwear
Roberta: it's all around very funny in here right now
neither myself or my supervisor can keep it together
Roberta: i can't look at her without cracking up
me: why is howard dean coming?
is he going to do that yell thing?
Roberta: howard dean is speaking in that performance space at like 4 and they are having their little pre-party in our conference room
Josephine: Let me point out again that you are about to meet Dean without underwear on
I hope you don't slip up and talk about it because you're really nervous.
Josephine: like, 'uh, it's nice to meet you governor underwear'
Josephine: 'uh, i mean, no underwear'
Roberta: STOP
I SERIOUSLY CAN'T KEEP IT TOGETHER
Josephine: 'uh, i mean, no just kidding I am wearing underwear i promise.'
me: okay. I checked. he's not the governor anymore
me: but he's the chair of the party, and also a dr.
Roberta: ok good, so - "hello chair man?:
Roberta: so is he dr. former governor?
Roberta: "head chair man?"
"dr head chair man"
Josephine: "hello Mr. Underpants' should be fine
Roberta: ok thanks for clarifying
Josephine: or Dr. Underpants if you prefer that
Roberta: i like that the most
me: okay. my coworker thinks it'd be pretty funny if you addressed him dr. governor chairman
i just laughed so hard i cried.
this is the second day in a row... my boss made me laugh so hard i cried yesterday too

Colostomy Bag, Anyone?

We all know I take the bus. It's my earth-friendly public-transportation cost-effective ride to and from work. There are stories, oh so many stories about the bus people. People saying things, doing things, which I suspect will eventually lead me to the end of my proverbial rope. People talking about their ex-boyfriends sex fetishes (right next to me), people who wear hand-knit tank tops under un-buttoned button-down shirts, and people who check their blood sugar. I've learned the best way to deal with this is to wear headphones and sunglasses at all times. But, it's just not always avoidable.

I was walking toward my bus stop when a man approaches me and says, "Excuse me, can I ask you a question?" I'm thinking YOU JUST DID, but I look at him and keep walking, indicating, yes, you can ask me a question, but make it fast because I'm not stopping. I expect he's going to ask me for a dollar, or where the bus is, or whatever.

He starts, "Hi, I'm Roland." I stare blankly. "Do you know anything about prescription medication?" I stare more. "See, I'm from Arizona, and I was stabbed seven times last week." WHAT?! So I reply, "Listen, if you're in pain, you need to go to the emergency room." "No, I've been there ya see? Do you know what a colostomy bag is?"

This is where I made my mistake. I was nearly one hundred percent sure I knew what it was, but decided maybe if I played dumb he'd go away. Instead he lifted his shirt to show me stab wound bandages and a fucking colostomy bag. I cringed, yelled through my hands covering my face while looking away, "If you need medication there's a pharmacy right there. Ask them." And I ran away while he apologized profusely to the back of my head for scaring me.

Totally Stupid: I love AWK

For this blog I tried to find a postable video for Andrew W.K.'s Totally Stupid, but I couldn't find the one. It's awesome. The video contains a lot of really funny clips from his short lived show on MTV, and I always laugh out loud, even if I'm by myself. For about two months now, nearly every day on the way to work I've been listening to an AWK mix, trying to stay positive and gear up for the long work day.

You might be thinking, "Amanda, really? Don't you listen to Belle and Sebastian and only Belle and Sebastian?" (Or whatever sissy indie band you'd like to name that I do actually like.) Really. Andrew W.K. Ever catch him on Conan? They're like, friends. And once, AWK got Conan to do "moves." Like air punching and shit. Oh yeah, seriously. Anyway, this whole AWK thing happened when I found out that he was starting to give motivational talks. Josh ended up interviewing him and doing a whole story for the radio. My idea, technically. Check out his website, http://www.andrewwk.com/, and prepare to be wowed. Oh, and I also have a Pandora station seeded from AWK and a few others. It's called Rock Your Socks Off.

Here's an old picture from when I had a facial piercing and listened some tougher music. When I went to find this in my comments section on MySpace, there were SO many people that I don't recognize. It's been four years, me and my space.

I Heart ChaCha!

Has anyone else heard of ChaCha? Because it's this amazing question answering service. For free, you text a question to ChaCha (242-242) and within about a minute, you get an answer. I'm serious. It's not only incredibly useful, but really fun.

Here are some of the questions I've had answered so far:

Q: How do you say, "Please use other door" in French?
A: Veuillez employer l'autre porte.

Q: Should Amanda get a dog?
A: Only if Amanda promises to feed it, take care of it and love it every single day.

Q: What ingredient do I need to make crepes?
A: 1 cup/125g all-purpose flour, pinch of salt, 3 eggs, 1 cup/250 ml milk (more if needed), 2 tbsp/30 mg melted butter.

Q: Should Katie have the grilled chicken sandwich or the cheeseburger for lunch?
A: I guess whatever she feels like! I would have a cheeseburger! ChaCha!

Q: What does Probate mean?
A: Probate is the court-supervised legal process of providing a will, appointing an executor and settling an estate.

Bastille Day BBQ!

Heather and I threw our first party in honor of Bastille Day, and much to our surprise, it was a success! Despite being a Monday, and all the way on the Hill, at least twenty people showed up! We drew moustaches on faces (with Heather's expensive eyeliner.. oops!), served brie, French 75s (then switched to High Life, the champagne of beers!), listened to French pop, played bocce, and said "Merci" instead of "Thank You." No French kissing or spin le bottle, which I'm thankful for. The night ended at a reasonable hour with night swimming at the East End Beach. Perhaps next year we'll get someone to smuggle in some illegal fireworks.

Where's the Beef?

Yesterday, my bus honestly mooed like a cow. It was actually more like close cow-shaped cream dispensers, and it happened every few minutes. So weird.

More Office Humor

The First Time I've Ever Felt Bad for Knowing Trivia

At Trivia on Wednesday, the first question of round five was, "Please name the more common name of Herpes Zoster." We'd been significantly behind the whole game. My teammates exchanged blank looks, and I put my head down. "I know it," I said, then wrote "Shingles," and stared at my lap. Heather and Laura then gave me the most sympathetic faces. I'd gotten it a few months before, due to stress. Shingles, Herpes Zoster, adult chickenpox... All I could think when the doctor told me was, "Isn't this an old people disease?" Apparently, you can only get it if you've had chickenpox as a child. The virus stays dormant in your body your entire life.

It wasn't as bad as the time I saw Michael Showalter doing stand-up and he started going on about all these health problems and... nevermind.